Do you know almost the worst part, of all of it? I know that if it had happened to someone else, I would feel jealousy. Pain, even. Because despite how utterly horrible it was, it felt like being chosen. Because violence and desperation are the tithe paid to beauty and to sex, to the irresistible. Awful as it is, it means I’m worth something. It means a man thought me worth the effort: the effort of preparing me, of subduing me.
I know that’s not true. I know that violence and desperation are not, in fact, a helpless response to beauty, that nothing is irresistible. That those things are a homing in on weakness. I hate that I was picked out of the herd: the limping elder, the stumbling calf. I hate that it was so obvious.
And yet I would hate it to be any other way. If there’s to be blood, let it be mine. If there’s to be a choice, let it be me. If there’s to be a sacrifice, let it be me. Let me never be unseen.
There is a voice in my head. No, dear heart, it says, coolly amused, flicking the ash of its cigarette onto the pavement. No one wants you. Why, you didn’t—its composure nearly breaking now, the sharp fin of a laugh just under the surface—you didn’t seriously think he was looking at you? Oh, sweetpea. It’s because you’re disgusting. Not because you’re desirable.
This is so raw yet so tightly controlled.
Thank you, my love. Literally written in the back of the bus, which I think imposed a certain brevity on the material…
Maybe that’s your new writing location, then!
I can think of worse places!
I really admire the honesty and precision of your writing. There are definitely things I recognise in this. Solidarity and best wishes.
Thank you so much, Laura. Ever hopeful that this sort of thing can be of use to whoever reads it – it seems to help me to write it down, anyway.
I am so very impressed by how raw and honest this is. It’s depressing as hell that so many women will be able to relate but it’s still cathartic to read something like this – thank you for sharing.
Oh, hon, thank you for reading it, and for saying that.
❤